Richard Lin

Sex, Lies, and Conversation

In this chapter, Deborah Tannen gave many examples about different communication styles of men and women. Men’s conversational habits are as frustrating to women as women’s are to men. Women usually talk more than men at home. When women are at home, they feel free to express their emotions while men usually remain silent at home due to the fact that he has nothing to prove. Tannen points out that pattern may lead to havoc with marriage. It is childhood socialization that causes the big different communication styles between men and women. Women see the conversation as a way to build closeness and intimacy. However, men bind their friendship by working together instead of long talk. Also, men’s groups are hierarchically structured world where talk maintains status, and it turns out that men don’t like to listen in order not to make them feel one-down. They see their conversational duty as pointing out the other side of an argument. Men prefer to give direct challenges toward their conversation with others. Another factor that view men as disloyal listeners is misalignment. The tendency of men to look else where in the room while talking can give women the impression they aren’t listening even they are. Moreover, women always focus on the same topic throughout their conversation, but men tend to switch topic, which is another habit that gives women the impression men aren’t listening. Men usually ignore the intention of women’s talk, and were thought as unsupportive and unsympathetic husbands. In addition, women who expect a stream of listener-noise interpret silent attention as no attention all. Men who expect silent attention interpret a stream of listener-noise as overreaction or impatience. The participatory listenership, in which women tried to overlap each other’s sentences, is often perceived by men as interruption, intrusion and lack of attention. In my opinion, because from a very early age, boys are "taught" not to show vulnerable feelings, men relate to each other without actually ever talking about themselves or their deep feelings, but rather like to keep topics to common interests (most of the time). On the contrary, women would like to talk and share about their inner feeling to their friends, including sadness, pain and happiness.

Just as Tannen mentioned, the talk between women and men are cross-cultural communication. There are several ways to eliminate barriers between men and women. Both men and women are required to know the basic framework between their physical and psychological differences. We don’t have to emphasize the differences. There are no right and wrong in men and women’s expression. We just need to identify the problems and then try to improve it by the effort between men and women. Both sexes have to learn how to adapt to each other, and accept the differences. We should know that there are different ways to see and participate in the same conversation. Despite the striking differences between men and women, they still need each other. Men and women are made to help each other, just like the Chinese ideas of yin and yang that are meant to complement each other. What a dull world it would be if men and women both share the same character. If men and women would respect the differences and similarities between them, they could achieve an abiding intimacy and longlasting love.

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