Trisha Hsiao

Is Conversation a Converse Section for Male and Female?

It has been an enigma for me whenever it comes to an argument with a beloved one. There was no problem of communication when we were still friends, but all of sudden the conflicts emerged after courtship or a committed relationship. As a famous saying among women,“What men never get is always better than what they’ve got!” Not until I read Tannen’s article do I realize that the gap is really there. Indeed, there are innate and acquired features between men and women which always result in failure of conversation. Somehow it reminds me of a poem I wrote once when I tried to talk with my boyfriend but ended up having a fight because I thought he was giving me a lesson like a teacher.

We are Different.

Men are physical; women are mental,

Men are material; women are emotional,

Men love to reason; women just need them to listen,

Men can't stand temptation; women can't resist soul connection,

Women want support but men just scold,

Women want their dates to be romantic; men just make them dramatic,

Women stick at their infatuation; men depend on their intuition.

Women just hope men could put themselves in women's position.

(NO offence just my experience)

The poem accords with the article where the confusion between male and female is self-explanatory. The ways the two sexes use to communicate violate the ways their partners want them to behave. Surely, human beings communicate with language, body movement, and the highest degree, soul connection. Crystallizing the above characteristics, the battle between different sexes takes place when their beliefs fight with the reality. (One party think they should react this way as they always do with their same sex, however, the other party thinks the other way.)

When men decide to get married that is because they think they should settle down, but when women decide to get married it is because they want to have an improved and more intimate relationship. Often, men got what they want; but women fell what they expect after marriage. Asking men to be considerate, to watch the other in the face when talking and to show agreement when having a conversation, women often feel frustrated when they intend to communicate with their husbands. On the other hand, as men’s acquired personality tells them, they can not expose their weakness to others; they can not be the one-down, or they might be considered as a loser. Another particular phenomenon happened in Taiwan, as the “men-never-listen” awareness aroused among the society; men tend to pretend that they are afraid of their wives or girlfriends in public, while they behave another way around when they are alone with their partners, just to get the compassion from others (mostly from female).

In addition, switching topics and talking with listener’s noise also proved my line, “Women want support but men just give scold.” The aim of conversation is different; women talks to men for looking for support or common ground, which they often find that in their same sex partners. Men, on the contrary, find it awkward, and at this moment, their masculinity self will pop out and say to them, “Be a man, do the right thing.” That also explain why they always try to give women a lesson to make them feel stronger when it is not the time to compete for winner.

Male-female conversation is definitely a cross-cultural communication, for both two parties hold different grounds, different beliefs. My boyfriend and I are born with different culture and different sex, thus it becomes more complicated when we try to communicate. Tolerance and adaptation are the norms for both sexes to follow when communicating. Try to put yourself in his/her shoes when you are confronting problems. A good communication makes a successful relationship; to be a skillful talker and a competent listener certainly takes time and efforts. What I tried in my relationship is similar with the solution provided by Tannen. I talked exactly what I was thinking in my mind with my partner, and I also told him what I would like him to do when talking to me. He also shared his thought and point of view with me, and we never force each other to do what the other wants but it just happened naturally. To conclude, it is not the problem of being one-up or one-down, but mutual relationship. A relationship is not about compromising but sharing.

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